Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
