Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
