Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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