Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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