why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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