I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
