OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
