If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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