I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
