Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
