just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
