I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Green mimosas i think yes
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
