i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
