i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
