Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
