when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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