There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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