My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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