I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
