i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
