Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
