and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
