Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
