She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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