Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
