I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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