his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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