I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
