Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
