right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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