Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
