The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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