i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
