Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
