You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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