I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
