I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
