i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
