You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
