Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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