i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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