Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have feelings that need drinking.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
