Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
