Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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