I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
