you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
