True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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