I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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