You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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