Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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