Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We talked him into tasing himself.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
