Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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